It might be the title (and subtitle) of this article, which I had originally published on Medium.
Maybe I Am a Gossip
I’m unrepentantly owning up to a certain level of misdeed.
Image created using Canva (photo by Mladen Zivkovic)
Shortly after siesta, my grandmother and her sister would drape themselves on our porch furniture to catch each other up on the latest. It didn’t matter whether the gossip was fresh or several decades old; it was fair game to the sisters.
The younger generations may indulge them with amusement. Still, you’d catch them hanging around whenever there was fresh tea being spilled, usually delivered by Tita Piti, the gay man who did the ironing for many of the town’s original clans.
It was absolutely acceptable for two senior citizens who grew up in a less hectic time to engage in scuttlebutt as a pastime. The rest of us were obviously above that. Gossip was for weaker minds, after all. And we knew better, didn’t we? The Bible said not to gossip, so we didn’t… the same way we never lied.
Great Minds, Small Minds
We’ve all heard the dubious quote, “Great minds talk about ideas, average minds talk about events, small minds talk about people.” Some attribute it to Eleanor Roosevelt, others to Socrates. In any case, whoever said it harshly implied that people who gossiped had weak minds, as though intelligence precluded nosiness. Still, we’d all like to think we boast mighty minds that limit our discussions to breakthroughs and concepts.
As much as I’d like to claim that my friends and I discuss the latest innovations and socio-political issues (and we do when they’re sensational, er, interesting). More often than not, however, we talk about ourselves. We detail our grievances, our personal dramas, and, lately, thanks to our advancing age, we talk about our bodily pains and other health issues.
Still, everybody perks up and leans forward with more interest when there’s a tale of intrigue and controversy about somebody, even if it’s one of us. I’m not sure what emotional quotient score is necessary to remain nonchalant in the face of such titillating gossip, but ours is definitely not high enough.
Unconscious Gossip
I cannot speak for other cultures, of course, but in mine, gossip is a habit that’s woven into the fabric of daily life. Besides the afternoon porch sessions, there were mealtimes. We typically congregated at the dining table for these communal activities.
And at communal activities, there’s expectedly plenty of gab. The dinner hour happened to double as our family’s daily news broadcasting service.
“Jackie got yelled at by the lunch monitor because she jokingly threw a wadded-up paper towel at me.”
“Mom, the other kids say that Miss Rivera favors the Chua sisters because their mom gives her designer gifts every PTA meeting.”
“The Delanos’ chihuahua got out and almost got run over by a car. Mrs. Delano blamed their maid and kept on screaming at the poor girl.”
It’s not exactly politics or crime, but such news bits held just as much fascination. Nonetheless, this dinner habit had gotten me in a tad of trouble.
When I was a new teacher, I had to live in a remote area. The headmaster knew that some of us were homesick, so he frequently invited us to dinner. Carrying my dinner chitchat culture with me, I tended to regale my companions with the highlights of the day and other interesting talking points.
One time, the headmaster turned to me and brought up a mutual acquaintance. I knew that person by her married name, so I innocently mentioned that her name was now that of her husband. The headmaster then informed me that she had reverted to her maiden name.
“Did she get divorced?” I gasped.
“I’m not sure,” the headmaster stammered.
“People do say that she only married him to get citizenship!”
The headmaster, who was definitely worldlier and classier than I, just comically pretended to be shocked and changed the topic. Later, I got a text from him, saying that he felt bad that we had gossiped about that person. I quickly replied with my apology, admitting that I hadn’t meant to gossip. I had believed I had just been sharing generally interesting information. He thought I was being funny.
That was my first clue that my role as dinner time news anchor should be confined to the company of my family and close friends. I still didn’t believe I was gossiping, but I was starting to get an inkling.
The Danger of Gossip
I can safely assume that most of us know the harm that gossip brings to its target. It could damage reputation, break trust, violate privacy, provoke emotional distress, wreck relationships, etc. Still, not as many are aware of the detriment it causes those who actually gossip.
When we gossip, there’s a chance we could suffer similar consequences. Our relationships could be damaged, as most people would be very hesitant to trust a gossip. We could also end up cultivating a not-so-pleasant reputation. Our ethics could definitely be called into question. Our conscience could also kick in, and we’d eventually feel regret, remorse, and shame.
I remember somebody revealing the fact that a highly esteemed (read wealthy) family from church had their own dinnertime gossipfest as well. He was friends with the kids in the family and was occasionally invited to stay for dinner. He said he would just uncomfortably sit there and eat while the family ripped everybody to shreds.
To his (dis)credit, this dinner guest himself did a good job of spreading this juicy little detail as well. Still, it helped the congregation deal with the “blindside” when this seemingly congenial family started a malicious campaign against the pastor. The revelation about that dinner habit made this unexpectedly cruel behavior more plausible.
In contrast, we simply do a “newscast” in my family. Sometimes we would weigh in on a matter, but it’s really just a bunch of curious busybodies sharing all kinds of information. Some bits were just trivial day recaps, and others were more intriguing rumors. We don’t discriminate, and we try to reserve judgment. How’s that for unbiased reporting? 😀 Truth be told, though, we’re far from innocent and pure. If the newsbite involves someone we don’t like, we also relish a fair amount of schadenfreude.
A Worthwhile Pastime
You can say what you want about gossip, but it has its good points. I suppose you can take that to mean that I have no intention of giving it up.
In what ways is indulging in a good old chinwag beneficial? To begin with, it forges bonds. There’s something about gossiping — possibly shared human nature — that brings people together and makes them feel closer to each other. In effect, it’s like sharing confidences.
Research has even found that people tend to like those who dish the latest dirt to them. Considering how much we looked forward to Tita Piti coming over, I can certainly concur. Of course, Tita Piti was a trusted source. When he shared something, you could rest easy that it was a substantiated story and not just some flimsy canard.
The same study also found that gossip can benefit its recipients with helpful knowledge. It’s pretty much a matter of being forewarned and then forearming themselves accordingly. For instance, when somebody tells me that a certain individual is notorious for borrowing money and not paying it back, I can prepare myself for the dreaded encounter by having a suitable reason for denying that person a loan or having the foresight to ask for collateral.
This study also emphasizes the gossipers’ advantage of better understanding. Because they’ve already heard about a person’s circumstances, they can better address unusual and possibly even unpleasant behaviors. An example would be knowing to extend grace and patience toward people who may be acting out for the rough time they’re going through, or people who may seem extra skittish on account of their childhood.
Another study also finds that gossip can impact people’s behavior for the better. The impact could go both ways, of course. A person who hears that others have been complaining about him being inefficient may feel motivated to prove the naysayers wrong, or he may feel discouraged from trying to be more competent.
This means that gossip can even be used as a manipulative tool to urge the gossip target toward the desired action or behavior. A good grasp of the target’s personality would expectedly be necessary to leverage gossip correctly.
Final Thoughts
Gossip may generally get a bad rap, but it’s not necessarily always a negative thing. Most of the time, when the participants don’t have a conflict of interest with the object of the gossip, it’s really just information dissemination.
If it sounds like I’m defensive and seeking justification for this less savory habit of mine, it’s because I may very well be. So, at the same time, let me also point out that gossip is a treacherous involvement. A certain level of insight and maturity is necessary for people to safely indulge in it.
Nonetheless, as with most things with potentially unpleasant or downright harmful consequences, abstinence is the best way to stay out of trouble.
It’s not like I let my life revolve around gossip. I just love stories in general. That’s why I love books. It’s also why I’m curious about other people’s lives. Each one has an interesting story, even the dullest individual.
This Small Life 